WHAT DREAMS MAY COME

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell? Do you believe in the afterlife? 

The topic has been around and influencing the course of action we take on our day to day life, in some shape or form, for a very long time. 

“Heaven on Earth” is what we call a peaceful place. Heaven is painted as this beautiful place with blue skies, clouds, angels. The alternative to Heaven is not very pleasant. “Go to Hell” is another way to tell someone off in a heated situation. Hell is always below the surface, underground, dark and dingy. Click here to look up some of the Renaissance era paintings of heaven and hell.. Creativity and imagination is fascinating. 

Who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell. Most important question is: WHO DECIDES? 

Do you see what a controversial topic this is? Organized religion is taking the lead with strict rules, demanding obedience or else:  Be Good. Complete your sacraments. Go to confession and pray that your sins are pardoned. Be kind, honest so you can secure your spot in Heaven.

Suicide will get you the golden key to “Downstairs” AKA HELL. How dare  humans take matters in their own hands and end life! God, the creator gave us this life, and we are going to live until that day comes and we die. It is not for us to decide when this journey ends. One shall not lose FAITH and most importantly HOPE. And if one does, there is only one place to go: HELL!

Why am I writing about this you ask? I lost not one but three people over the last 10 years to  suicide. The sadness and the grief I felt was a different kind of sadness. This heavy topic hits hard. The Grief I experienced after someone I knew committed suicide is deep. I do not take this topic lightly, in fact completely the opposite… Once again I am not a therapist or a health professional, I am just here to share my stories…. 

There is a 1998  Robin Williams movie titled :”What Dreams May Come”. This fantasy/drama paints another fictional portrait of Heaven & Hell and the afterlife. The plot centers on a man who dies then goes to Heaven, but descends into Hell to rescue his wife who previously committed suicide. I don’t recall who suggested that It was a good idea for me to watch this movie back in early 2000. I think I cried for days. How sad and ironic is that 15 years after making this movie,  Actor Robin Williams committed suicide. 

My story is about a person who was not only a dear friend but a big brother. We met in 1993. He became Dan’s business partner and maybe because he always had a solution, a remedy for each and every problem big or small, he earned his nickname “Doc.”, short for doctor. He was a quiet man, shy perhaps. Most of the time he was very serious, intimidating a little but he laughed at a good joke and knew how to have a good time. He loved to listen to classic rock music: John Denver was at the top of the list, next, The Allman Brothers Band as well as Rolling Stones. 

The small business (DGI) was growing rapidly and the partners were getting along beautifully. Our families were bonding and growing. Weddings, birthdays, Holidays, summer BBQ’s, golf… Life was simple and beautiful. Until that dreadful evening of December 17th…Dan left us, so suddenly.  We did not realize then how our lives were about to change. We were about to take our friendship to a new level:  On January 2nd 2000, I officially became Doc’s new business partner. 

Doc was a great teacher. There were some fundamental rules for his classroom, as known as his office. I remember sitting across his desk quietly for hours. Neither of us talked. He jotted down numbers on his yellow legal pad with his pencil and I watched him. From time to time, he would stop, explain in detail, and ask if I had any questions for him. And I sat and watched, learned, absorbed as much as I could.

I think my respect for Doc’s wisdom grew when we traveled for business to ensure our overseas vendors that our company was still sound and their bills would get paid on time, and also to introduce the new partner: That’s me!  His travel requirements were very specific: He knew which hotel to stay, what food to eat. He knew what to say, how and when to say it, and everyone listened and respected him. I was the “Grasshopper” and he was the “Master”. I once again sat quietly and observed. Observed, listened and learned… I learned so much about Natural Stone, marble, granite, travertine, which quarry produces which stone, and why some have dark veins and some don’t, what type of Statuary White marble Master Michelangelo used for his statues.

I was slowly getting more comfortable at work. I was Doc’s  business partner, he was my mentor, and a dear friend. I started to understand more that we grieved and survived Dan together. DGI survived too. We had a very good run for about 12-13 years. Business was thriving, life was good once again. Different, but steady and secure.  Until the winds changed. 

I don’t think it was so much the recession between 2007-2009 that did us in, although it had damaging effects. A terrible thunderstorm was brewing. Dark clouds were rolling in and they started to draw Doc into a vicious downcycle. 

First the passing of his mother. I can not speak from experience but I hear this is a very tough adjustment: Losing a parent or both, realizing that you are no longer someone’s son or daughter for the remainder of your days on this earth.  But in Doc’s case, I almost think that the death of his mother opened up a portal to the dark side of his past and he  became more withdrawn and distant. If I knew what I know now, I’d suggest and insist that he sought professional help…He did not believe in therapy, instead he started self medicating with alcohol, mostly beer, but a lot of it. 

Chain reaction was activated: Stone industry was rapidly changing due to the economic conditions and our small company had fallen behind. I saw the writing on the wall. But without the wisdom of my Master, my partner Doc, I knew that  I alone would not be able to pull us out of the slump. There was also trouble in his home life. The snowball was getting bigger and bigger in every turn, Doc was getting thinner, smaller and more frail than ever in front of my eyes, physically and emotionally.  

What pushes a person to the outer edges of all reason? What is this feeling that convinces the person to kick the chair from under? How excruciating is the pain he felt in every breath he took until the last.  “This is best for all!” , “you are better off without me here in this world” or “I am done!”...

Resilience is to be able to live with the pain and the suffering, to bear the consequences of your actions, or maybe somebody else's actions. Suck up your pride because the world is NOT a better place without you. Someone needs you, and loves you and that someone wants you around no matter how rundown you may look, the world is never a good place without you. 

I will never forget the day I received the phone call. I slowly stoop down to the floor next to my bed, trying to hold back the tears. I stayed there for some time in my thoughts.

. 

I refuse to believe that the ones who end their lives are stuck in the darkness and that they can not go to Heaven. I refused to believe that Doc’s soul is floating aimlessly in the forest of lost spirits. If

I were to imagine an afterlife story, I’d say that he probably found his way to the golf course where Dan welcomed him with open arms and the two of them hopped on their golf cart with Yuengling Lagers on hand and drove off to the 18th tee.

It took the rest of us, who stayed behind on this side, a while to put ourselves together. We all took a BIG DEEP BREATH  and  we cried, we honored, we grieved, we healed and we celebrated with a big tight group hug on the dance floor listening to John Denver. 

I hear her voice in the mornin' hour, she calls me

The radio reminds me of my home far away

Drivin' down the road, I get a feelin'

That I should've been home yesterday, yesterday

Country roads, take me home

To the place I belong

West Virginia, mountain mama

Take me home, country roads