DEAD BUNNY

It was an ordinary Saturday morning. I woke up, still thinking about the new murder-mystery show I started watching last night. As I often do, I couldn’t just stop after watching one episode, but power through the first 5 episodes until I started dozing off on the couch.. 

Needless to say I am dragging my feet this morning, almost in an “auto pilot” mode, I got up, went to the kitchen. Louis, my 4 year old great Pyr. pup, beat me to the kitchen door and started scratching the carpet, telling me to open the door.  I am always conscious about what time it is, bothering the neighbors etc. Louis has a booming bark and he has to run to the four corners of the property as soon as I open the door and make sure there are no threats to his territory. He must let the world know: “This is my back yard and Y’all keep out!!” Maybe in his doggy world he is speaking with a Pyrenees accent. Wait, what am I saying, he came from friggin’ Texas and now he is living in South Jersey.. He is probably saying: “Wooder”... This 75Lbs white floof Lou Boy,  loves his WAWA pretzels and occasionally chicken bites…

Anyway, my story is not about Louis. He has a part in it, I think… The story is about a dead rabbit right in the middle of my backyard. There is quite a bit of wildlife in our neighborhood:  Gees, Ducks, Turtles all over the lake. Beautiful Blue Herons, let us not forget the Hawks who are helping keep the squirrel and chipmunk population under control. And Bunnies… There are so many bunnies in our neighborhood. Gray-brown Eastern Cottontails, hopping all around our neighborhood. I am usually pretty good about checking the yard and shoo them away before I let the “beast” out. Heck, I am telling you, these murder/mystery shows got me hooked so badly. I was really walking in my sleep and I did not check the yard before I opened the door. 

I did my morning stretches, brewed the coffee and went outside to inspect my veggies and berries while sipping my coffee… There he was, lying on the grass lifeless.. Peter Cottontail… Oh, it made me so sad. I feel a little responsible and guilty… Was it really Louis that killed it?  I can not prove it: no eyewitness, no evidence. Light forensic science research, I checked the neck area, there was no tooth mark or blood.. What a way to start this beautiful summer morning, my weekend…

My emotions have been running very high, very strong for the last few days. I wasn’t sure until now and since menopause, I can’t blame my moods on good old “PMS”. Pieces of the puzzle are falling into their places. I am realizing this high emotion state, during my recent business trip to Chicago.  Dan grew up in a Chicago suburb and there are still quite a few members of the Gerlach family who live there. I was thinking about my dear father in law,  and how much I miss him. When I land at O’Hare airport, he would pick me up, only at the arrival terminal: “you are not checking luggage, right?” he would ask. And when I get into his car, there will be that old styrofoam cup of coffee, god knows how many times it was reheated in the microwave. Dad would say: “have a sip, fresh coffee”, and I would.  Last time the majority of our extended family was together was his Celebration of Life gathering back in June 2021. What a magical time, cousins bonding over singing, sharing their memories of their grandfather. Me, in the middle of all of that, watching, absorbing. You’d think I was taking notes, so when I come home I can tell Dan all the details. Hah! 

Father’s Day is here, there is another family wedding at the end of the month and I am asked to take part in it… I am very very happy to be such a strong part of this family but I can't help but think: How did I end up being the cool Auntie instead of Dan? Why is he not here?  He missed so much… I need to rephrase that last sentence: WE MISS HIM SO MUCH. 

Do you see where I am with these crazy out of control emotions of mine? I jumped over the hump, with the dead bunny, pulled myself together and went to a street festival where a bunch of talent were tabling their hard work and there she was, a young lady, who was reading Tarot cards… Oh, Yes I did… I am not going to get too deep into this but here is the summary of the 4 cards that was dealt for me: 

• FIVE CUPS: Acknowledge and process your emotions. Remember to heal and know that new beginnings are possible.

• TEN SWORDS: Yikes!! Ending, a painful ending, acceptance. 

• PERPETUAL PILGRIM: Use the power of the divine, the infinite to create your world for growth and wisdom NOT for manipulation… 

• HERMIT: Lock the doors in your safe space to self reflect on your own for a while…

Mic Drop.