Happy New Year!

The Holidays are over and we begin the new year, once again. 

I feel obliged to write a short reflection of how this Holiday Season was for me. Maybe you can find some similarities to yours, maybe you will disagree with some of my opinions. And that is how it goes, right? Differences of opinions and the ability to listen, respect and communicate are what makes us best friends or for that matter NOT friends. 

Every year, on November 1st, I temporarily cross over to the dark side. This darkness  is more of a Lunar eclipse and not a Darth Vader, mean and angry sort of dark side. 

November 1st is ALL SAINTS DAY. I do love this day of reflection of the ones who left us. Sometimes I visit a local church on this day to say a prayer for my Saints, my Angels. 

When the kids were younger, I used to give Dan’s name to be called out at Mass, a dedication. I don’t feel the need for that anymore. I choose to pay my respect to the dead in a more quiet fashion these days. Maybe because I am getting older, who knows? Also,the list of the names of my loved ones to call out on November 1st is getting longer. This is Sad, also another sign of getting old I guess… 

Once we get through the first week of November, the topics of conversation will change to Turkey. No, not the country, and you are supposed to call it Turkiye. Yes, the bird. I don’t think I’d be wrong if I say that Thanksgiving is probably the most beloved holiday of all that celebrates it. Family, Friends,  Food, lots and lots of food, and no decorations, no gifts, maybe a few quarrels between “Uncle Johnny and cousin Kate” , who knows what about, politics, board game or the consistency of the gravy. At the end of the weekend, everyone goes home and all you are left with is dirty dishes and laundry.. FUN…

I think I left out a huge detail of the Thanksgiving weekend tho, which for most is the kick off, shotgun start of, yes, you know it…CHRISTMAS

I LOVE CHRISTMAS, I don’t like Christmas… My conflict has been going on for over 40 years. 

Here is how my Christmas Story began: The year was 1987, I arrived in sunny California and shortly after, It was Christmas time. My uncle Bruce was big on the Holiday: the tree, decorations, gifts, parties… Sign me up! I’m in… With very little funds I had from babysitting, I bought gifts for everyone, I helped prepare  party foods, and baked cookies. Christmas is FUN…

Fast forward to 1992, I celebrated Christmas with Dan. We walked over to the catholic church on the upper East Side of Manhattan near 91st street between 1st and second Avenue. We attended the midnight mass. This was more of a spiritual Christmas and definitely more romantic. My first christmas gift to Dan was a set of queen size bed sheets. He needed them badly. 

Once our family started growing, Christmas Holiday once again changed, and now as a parent I needed to up the speed in order to get everything done before the Old St. Nick drops bye. The hustle and bustle was growing, now we need to hide the gifts from the children. Dan's Santa Costume needs help, because our 4 year old smart girl is looking at Santa with suspicious eyes: “Santa? I know him”. The family Christmas Card Photo, cookies, parties, yes, parties for kids, parties for grown-ups, office party, neighborhood party, should we go to Chicago next year? Absolute mayhem… And we loved it, every minute of it. 

Year was 1999, December 17th, we were getting ready to go to our office party that evening. The decision makers picked a restaurant  in Philadelphia. It was important that all the team members of the company be comfortable, their dietary and cocktail needs are met, I think the reservation was for 7pm. Unfortunately destiny had another reservation for us that night. Needless to say we never made it to that restaurant in Philly. 

One of my vivid memories of that time was, how my uncle Bruce was sitting at my dining room and wrapping all the presents for the kids into the wee hours of the night. How ironic, my dearest uncle, who introduced me to Christmas, was helping me get through a very tough season, by wrapping my kids’ presents.  Christmas had to go on. Santa WILL come to our house no matter what. And he did.That year, and every year since then.

We started getting very creative after Christmas of 1999. My entire family was supporting me. NO, I am going to rephrase that: We were supporting each other to get through a very tough time for all of us which happened to coincide with one of the most Wonderful times of the year. 

Grandparents always visited. One time Aunt Annie showed up all the way from Connecticut before the children woke up, just to be with them while they were opening their presents. Another time, Turkish Auntie Cennet surprised the children while wearing the Santa Suit, ringing the doorbell. We had a sunny-beach Christmas’ we had snowy - skiing Christmas’ . 

We celebrated with our closest friends.  We never cancelled Christmas, no matter how sad and blue or exhausted we were. I am using the “we” pronoun, did you wonder why? I will tell you why. 

After all those years,25 to be exact, my children are young adults in their 20’s. We have come a long way in our honest conversations. We are comfortable expressing our true feelings to one another. And it is now, in the present time, I realized that the efforts I thought I was putting in all by myself in order to get through the Holidays, and make sure it is a JOLLY one, I wasn’t alone at all… My children were going along for the ride with me. Just as much as I was trying to protect them, they were trying to do the same and protect their mom, me! We just realized that we make that cross over to the dark side together. We are all feeling a little anxious, and the smiles are just a bit forced. As we say Merry Christmas to all, we are holding back the tears. This realization gives us comfort, we learn to lean into it. It feels like a warm hug. We do not have to pretend. And yes, we are going to continue to celebrate. We all might need some time alone and quiet to reflect, we may have to decline a few invites, may be ease out with the obligatory gift but make it more intentional and meaningful. 

This Christmas was a quiet one for our household. The decorations were up so was the tree, The Holiday card was mailed on time, there were some gifts, fewer parties. We did pay our visit to Dan with the family pup, pouring a Yuengling Lager over his headstone. My body taught me a good lesson or two: If I don’t slow down, this runaway train, she will take control and put the brakes down. One stomach virus topped with a head cold later, I am thinking about Christmas 2025 and how I like that Holiday train to be more of a scenic ride. Scenic ride with many stops, to breath, to reflect, to pray.

I love you all and thanks for reading. 

Happy New Year!