Hello December, Hello Blues!

These past few weeks following Thanksgiving were very busy. A few work deadlines, a short visit to Chicago, an important presentation, a nasty cold and before I could catch my breath there were only a few days left before the Jolly old Elf’s visit…

December 17th came and went during this hustle and bustle.  Yes, it was December 17th again: The dreaded anniversary!  And yes, I survived one more year without Dan. No matter how busy I get, my heavy heart never fails to remind me of what day it is. I am feeling all the feelings… 

So many feelings I wish I could keep them locked in a box under my bed.. But the feelings grew over the years, and they do not fit in the box anymore. They want to come out and surround me, take over me.Taking a deep breath… 

I nurtured, babied, protected, and loved these feelings for a very long time. They are very much like my kids: They love me, but they also want to fly high in the sky, be independent, set free… 

Am I too scared to let go? Do I fear that I will forget? Is that why I am holding on to old  traditions, some possessions, symbols of my past?

I enjoy looking at photos of kids when they were much younger. I enjoy sipping my coffee out of the ceramic cup that Dan made when he was in college, cuddling with the needlepoint pillow that came from dear Narf’s house. I filled my house with family heirlooms and these treasures bring me comfort and joy.

And when the Holidays arrive, I open the boxes where I store the Christmas decorations; 

To decorate or not to decorate: every year for the last 5 years, I have been struggling and fighting with myself about decorating the house for the holidays. 

Once someone asked me: “ Who are you decorating the house for?”

Hmmmm, who am I really decorating the house for? Neighbors, my kids, party guests, my dog or cat? Or am I taking out the decoration solely for me, because those decorations represent Christmas' past. And when once a year, they come out of the storage, they make me happy. But they also make me  nostalgic and sometimes sad.

I did not grow up celebrating Christmas. The two years I lived with my aunt and uncle in California are the first two Christmases I celebrated. And then, I met Dan! He grew up in a big catholic family celebrating the holidays every year with his brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts and uncles. Seeing the joy in his face when he told me about his family's Holiday traditions captivated me and I became a disciple in building our own traditions of Christmas.  

Before we had kids, we went to midnight mass together. After we had kids, it was the 6:00pm kids/family mass. The process of picking the tree, setting up the decorations. It was as Dan living his childhood all over through his family’s traditions and while starting a few of our own. This was so much fun and it felt so festive. We really were getting into the spirit.

When our daughters were four and three years old, Dan started a new trend by dressing up as Santa, surprising the kids, during our family Christmas party.  He’d bring out his guitar and play Christmas Carols. I will never forget the last Christmas party: Our oldest daughter was standing at a far corner of our living room and staring at this guitar playing Santa with the most inquisitive eyes. Later she came to me and said:” Mommy, that is not Santa, that’s Daddy”.  I tried to play along telling her she is wrong, but it was clear that she wasn’t buying my story. This warms my heart. I love writing this story.

Last month during Thanksgiving, my kids and I opened a box that belonged to Dan that I have been saving in the basement, moving from house to house (since Dan and I met, we moved 6 times and I never opened to see what was in this box of his very personal memories before he met me). 

This was a magical moment for my family. 

It felt as if my children -  who are now 30, 28 and 26 years old -  met their father for the first time, through his handwritten journals to photos we’ve never seen and the letters, so many letters. 

Hey, remember before all this technology, smart phones and social media, humans corresponded via writing letters - What a romantic thing that was!

There were maps, road maps to everyplace Dan travelled. He even drew a road map to his apartment at the time, when he invited his friends over for his birthday dinner. 

There were journals, in these journals there were entries of girlfriends, best friends, of past and present. Some are still in our lives. So nice… Our hearts warmed up and we fell in love with the patriarch of our family all over again. What a beautiful moment of grieving together... 

Holidays are about family, faith, love, joy and many other feelings… Now I understand, and  see it very clearly.

Some of us find comfort in gathering in large groups of close family and friends, maybe because it makes it easier to embrace these feelings of our long lost family members and loved ones. Together we become stronger to deal with all the feelings. 

Maybe we bake ZITI, or eat SEVEN FISHES, whip up some EGGNOG, slice the FRUIT CAKE, shield ourselves against the sadness with layers of deliciousness. 

Our feelings are like the oozing fountain of cheese in the fondue dish. You know we are going to wake up with a terrible case of acid reflux after the Holidays, but for now, let us have another helping of roast beef and yorkshire pudding…Let us find comfort in our hugs and full bellies. 

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!