Aging with Dignity

Age is just a number as the saying goes. Here is another saying: “You are as old as you think you are”.

My number is 58. Some days I can’t even believe I am just 2 years shy of the BIG “6-O”. 

Whoa! Sixty years old, sounds pretty serious. I might be in La La Land thinking that I am still young: Young in Heart & Soul. Standing tall next to three brilliant young adults who call me mom.

I don’t feel old at all… I am considerably healthy. I could easily live another healthy 20 plus years, yet again who knows what will happen tomorrow. 

For that reason,  every morning when I wake up, I say: “Thank you for another day”!

Now, let us be honest, some  mornings, I wake up full of energy and ready to tackle anything that will come my way. An extra pep in my step, dancing to the sound of music. Other days the going starts out a bit slower: maybe some stiff muscles, creaky bones,  a kink in the neck, sore lower back, it takes me a bit longer to get out of bed. I am not a car or truck gal but I do compare my body to an old Chevy where now these days, the engine needs to get warmed up, but once she gets going, she will go far. My mornings have shifted from rushing around, getting kids ready for school, and myself to the office on time. Instead, I do my 10 minute morning yoga/stretching before I take my dog Louis to the park for his morning walk. We both enjoy our morning walks around the nearby lake.

We say hello to Mr. Bill, our neighbor. He must be well into his 80’s. He is still living alone with her yellow lab Rubie. His wife passed away a few years ago from cancer, his grown children are always checking on him but Mr. Bill insists on living alone in his house. There were a few occasions Mr. Bill scared me: He was hunched over, could barely walk. I helped him take a seat on one of the neighbors' steps for a few minutes: “My back” he said, “I don’t even know what I did”, “I just need a second”. When I offered to drive him home, he sternly refused and said:”I am OK, not dead yet”. “Ohh” I said, “I know you are alive Mr. Bill but you are also in a lot of pain right now”. A Labrador is a strong dog, so really, how long should he be walking Miss Rubie by himself, or for that matter, mow his lawn, clean the gutters, wash his car etc… He is stubborn and he is proud. I guess he is going to do it, until he can’t. I am sure his children are already discussing the next phase for him behind his back.  

My brother called me the other day. He wants three of us siblings to have a meeting to discuss my parents and next steps of their care. Are we really here? I am still in denial about my own age, and here, another slap in my face to remind me of my age is to discuss the care and well being of my parents. Yikes! 

I am one of the fortunate ones among my peers; both of my parents are alive, pretty healthy for their age and most importantly able to live on their own for the present time. They are not relying on walkers, or canes for walking, in fact they are both driving. My father is 85 years old and my mother is 81. My mother  is a diabetic but for the most part she handles it well. She gives into the temptation of her favorite food or snack, occasionally and when faced with the consequence she acts totally surprised, like this is the first time it’s happening. My father’s biggest complaint is his acid reflux. That is it!

I remember my childhood house and the hierarchies of our family. Dad: authoritarian, breadwinner, disciplinarian, head of household. He basically called the shots with his booming voice.  Mom: caregiver, amazing chef, the glue that held everything together.

The amazing duo have been together for the last 60 years, and now we are going to tell them how to live their life, declutter their house, reduce their footprint, not to eat fatty or acidic  foods, or sugary deserts or not to drive in the dark. What would your reaction be if your children start telling you what to do? 

Come to think of it, my parents' unity is remarkable. He worked really hard, she was right there beside him. While he climbed the ladder to the top of his career, she made sure the home life was consistent, kids were safe and loved. 

Now these days, not much has changed; She is still taking care of him and he loves being the center of attention. My mother satisfies the urge of nurturing and caring for him since her own children and grandchildren don’t need the day-to-day care anymore. My Dad falls into a depression, although he will never admit it, if he doesn’t get her undivided attention each and every day.

They are inseparable.. 

They are aware that time is precious, not a minute to waste and their movements are slowing down and their independence might be compromised. 

Tic, Toc, tic, toc ... .The clock is ticking… 

AGING WITH DIGNITY IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. 

I was in my 20’s when I made a big life change and moved to the United States. Shortly after this life event I met my husband Dan. The rest happened rather quickly:  we started our family, bought our little house in a quaint south Jersey town right outside of Philadelphia. Some days, we would sit around the table after the kids went to bed fantasizing about our retirement together. Once the kids are older and out of the house, as the newly empty nesters, we were going to travel around the world. Dan had 2 important dreams: First one was that he wanted to become a Golf Instructor and second, he wanted to play his upright bass with a small jazz band around town. I was to occasionally join them and sing songs from the American Standard book. I am so glad we had those precious moments;  sipping a glass of wine, listening to Coltrane or Miles fantasizing about how we were going to grow old together. Neither of us were thinking about what was about to happen a few weeks after Dan’s 40th birthday. Our conversations about our future did not include the sudden death of either one of us. Neither of us were prepared. 

How do you prepare for your final chapter, your last day, the END?

Since none of us have a magic ball or a definite date or age for the end of our time, what do we do? 

Do we  just live everyday like it is our last? 

Should I let life take its course and welcome everything it brings to my table? 

I wonder at what point I will let my children take the reins and make life decisions for me. 

My plan is to continue living my best life, as long as I am able. Maybe I will be like Mr. Bill. In my 80’s all hunched over, walking my dog, with a lidocaine patch on my lower back. 

Maybe for every decade I celebrate, I will stop, check in with myself, and make some small adjustments. Who knows, maybe I will meet my new soulmate, or a life partner. 

It is so exciting to see what other stories I will yet to tell the grandkids. 

I built a beautiful life for myself. A cute little house, garden, my dog Louis, my kitty Melos and I are happy. My children are happy thriving adults now, this makes me very proud and happy too. 

When the topic of aging comes up,  my children, almost always, all three of them would say: “ Of course we will take care of you mom”. And I know they mean well. I sense that my oldest daughter, the sensitive one, doesn’t want to even go near this subject, it is too upsetting for her, even the thought of me needing help, I don’t think she can compute at this present time. My son, ah, he is so much like his father, he said: “ Mom, as much help you need, financially, I will be there for you but you are not moving into an “inlaw suite” at my house”. Hahaha…

At least he is honest. My middle child, miss level headed, straight forward, loyal daughter, will be assessing the situation and will present realistic options to her siblings when the time comes. She is a Taurus, just like me! 

The truth is that as they are flourishing in their new freedom, excelling at their careers, learning to be an adult or as we say “adulting”, they are not in the mature mindset of thinking about the next few chapters and most definitely the topic of “getting OLD. This is a topic for a much later time than present. 

Buddha says again and again, "Once born, you will have to die" . When, where, how? Does it really matter? Why are we so scared about this topic: Death, dying? Why deny it?

I am going to continue enjoying every single day, and every single day I wake up I am going to say: Thank you. 

Thank you for reading.