Dan

I met Dan on September 2nd 1992 in New York City... It truly was love at first sight for both of us... We were so in love. A perfect match. For me, my prince on a white horse was finally here to save me from the evil King (oh, we will get into that another time). We were married in January 1994, First child born on 10/10/1995, A girl, then the second one in 18 months another girl. Our son was born in November of 1999. Funny story is that Dan did not want to find out the baby's sex, he knew the due date was very close to his 40th birthday coming up also in November. He would say: “Why would I open my birthday present in July!!!!” Ughhh... I wanted to find out... Dan died almost a month after his 40th birthday, three weeks after our son's birth. Arrhythmia, is what the medical examiner's report said. Joan Didion, in her book titled "The Year of Magical Thinking" repeats it several times: " Life changes fast. Life as you know it ends". Our short story ended on that night.

Just like in the movies, the screen goes black and: 2 3 Y E A R S L A T E R

On that dreaded night of December 17th, I made a promise to Dan, to my self and that was: KIDS, I will make my kids my number 1 priority. And so I did! I did not excel at my career or rise to the top, getting all the promotions but one can say that raising 3 amazing children is a pretty darn good accomplishment. We are a happy, healthy, functional family... Remember the Purple Dinosaur ? Every family is different. Ours had a Mommy, and her three kids, also an AMAZING extended family of grandparents, aunts and uncles near and far. One question I am asked often: " How did you do it? " Are we as Humans always trying to find a logical explanation, a parallel, an owner’s manual, a “how to” to the things we are afraid to talk about? And if we can’t find that right explanation are we going to suppress that feeling deep down, and hope that in time, everything either is or will be a OK? So while I am pumping major adrenaline to figure out my new mission, new life, with three very young children ages 3 weeks to 4 years, I am also dealing with my surrounding community’s comments, opinions and questions. I tell you, these are part funny and part sad. Here are some examples that stuck over the years:

• One, who's husband was serving some time behind bars, short term, let us say 6 mos. She told me that our children have something in common because they, her kids, like mine, don't see their dad everyday!!!!! Often divorced parents fall into the same mistake.

• After 9/11, someone knew a family. Husband died in one of the towers, wife and kids are struggling... The suggestion was to bring us together. "Yonca's doing really good, and her kids are amazing, so may be you should talk to her". I will bring the ZITI !

• A family, in the near by town, lost their 25 year old son suddenly to a heart attack. Dad is doing a bit better than the mom... Mom is not coping with this all too well. They want me to talk to her. AND SAY WHAT? : I am so sorry you lost your beautiful child, here is a casserole. And may be I will tilt my head to the side...NO!

I was getting tired of being the death whisperer! Expert on Grief! This is not a position I am volunteering for, I am not signing up to write the manual for How to survive after the death of a love one I do not want to hear the comment:" You know how it is like!" . NO, I don't know! I did not loose a child, My husband did not die during the centuries most horrific terrorist attack. And NO, our kids have nothing in common because yours do get a 30 minute collect call from the correctional facility every night and talk to their DAD... I am getting angry, wait… Isn’t that one of the stages of GRIEF? Ahhh that must be it! I wake up every morning, grateful to be alive and every day I promise my self to live life fully and I choose to be happy, positive... But I don't think I could do that if I didn't accept the ugly truth... Dan is dead! I am going to take out one of those ZITI's from the freezer, and eat it for dinner. Cheers, see you on the next episode.